Sunday, 6 January 2013

Round Robin

Darlings!  Thank you all for your gorgeous reams of letters received over Christmas.  It's just soooo wonderful to hear all your news - although I must admit I was just the teensiest bit confused by the unsigned letter which contained no names, just lots of first person crap achievements and a couple of blurry photos of some fat people. However, I feel I must reciprocate as so many of you have gone to so little much trouble.

So much to tell you - where to begin?

We are all in the rudest of health. My darling husband has excelled this year in his job and has finally been allowed home after I paid the fecking ransom transferred back from Kuwait where he spent 6 months roasting his arse off enjoyed an extended stay at the hottest period of the year.

The children are lazy idle feckers working hard towards their respective exams.  Son finishes his degree this summer and we expect he might scrape a 3rd if we're lucky have high hopes for stellar success in his finals.  Daughter will be taking her A levels.  She is aiming high and hoping to gain a place at the University of Shitsville if she's lucky a leading University as far away as fecking possible in the north of England.

When not studying conscientiously, they both enjoy getting drunk and falling over an active social life.  Son keeps in touch with a variety of plebs and losers local friends who have not gone to University as well as those who have and worked harder than him and ended up at Oxbridge.  Bastards.

Daughter, meanwhile, likes nothing better than dressing up like a two bit trollop following the latest fashions and going clubbing with her tarty TOWIE-like girlfriends.

They are nightmares delightful children of whom we feel justly proud. When asked what they would like for Christmas, they replied "a new car,you stingy old cow" "why mummy, we don't want anything material, we just want to be able to help those less fortunate than ourselves."  Feckers. Bless!  

My job is, of course, busy and demanding but still never fails to piss me off to the nth degree enrich my existence beyond measure.  My colleagues that bunch of snivelling bastards form a warm and supportive community that stabs me in the back at every opportunity cocoons me in love.

Our rustic homestead we don't call it Crap Cottage for nothing charms all who visit.  The Shah and I like nothing better than to have another blazing row in B&Q discuss our latest DIY project.  The fucking roof's leaking again and that idiot said he'd fixed it.  The slagheap out front quaint cottage garden is overrun with vermin tempts a variety of wildlife.

Our darling cat, Paddy, brings rats, mice, birds and any other variety of dead animal joy to our lives.  His hilarious antics if he pukes in the bedroom once more he's a goner keep us all endlessly amused.

Well, that's about it from us.  We are looking forward to an even more smug successful 2013.

Lots of love,
CQ xx

22 comments:

  1. My first time here, and I found that just plain good fun. :-)

    Nice blog!

    Greetings from Minneapolis,

    Pearl

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    1. Hello Pearl and thanks for dropping by. Glad you enjoyed it!

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  2. Ah yes...a Gore Vidal moment,
    'Everytime a friend succeeds I die a little'......
    Funny post CQ.

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    1. Thanks Libby - I'd forgotten that particular Vidal quote but how appropriate!

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  3. Hilarious, CQ. Quite the best round robin I've read! :)

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    1. Thank you Sarah - I just get so sick of all the self-aggrandising crap people spout when we all know their lives cannot possibly be that perfect. Or is it just me who has an errant husband and revolting children?

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  4. Why do people feel the need to do this pointless annual PR to people they hardly know?

    Now we have your translation manual they will be read more avidly.

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    1. It's called terminal smuggery, Rog.

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  5. Luckily everyone knows I'm illiterate.....

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    1. Ah but Macy, just think of all the moving stories you could tell if you wrote a letter like that...'moving'...geddit?

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  6. Brilliant - laughed all the way through - hears to 2013!

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    1. Thank you Jay - I'm glad you were entertained!

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    2. Oh blimey, I mis-spelled here's!!

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  7. Oh this is just perfect - the antidote for the round robins I have had to suffer over the years. In fact there is one in particular I receive every year from some very dear friends who just cannot help but brag about their offspring and their achievements. I remember one year I wrote a spoof letter just like yours and sent it to friends I knew also received the braggy letter. Made me feel so much better.

    Isn't fecker a lovely word?

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    1. Thank you Trish - I am mightily tempted to keep this and send it out next year!

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  8. Best Christmas card. Eves. A wonderful change from all the people here in the US who send us their cheery-faced children who have been "blessed" with good looks and magnum brains

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  9. Also loving the Zazzy new backdrop for your thoughts!

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    1. Hi Jody - welcome back, hope you had a great time in NZ. Sounds as though you get the same sort of tripe in the US as we do here :-( Glad you lke the backdrop - I like to play with it every so often but can't ever seem to break away from orange!

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  10. The orange is always bright, it's the intellectual's red.

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  11. This is hilarious - as always. What about your fantastic holidays in shitville, I mean the caribbean? Bastards, aren't they? ;) I always know I'm going to have a laugh here x

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