Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Is it next year already?


Christmas at Crap Cottage – a black comedy in 3 Acts

Dramatis Personae:
The Shah – a dribbling goon, well known to all regular readers.
Moi – underpaid, overworked, under-appreciated, overwhelmed.
Daughter – Teenager – nuff said.
Son – slightly older but no more mature version of above.
Granny – think a posher, stone deaf version of Catherine Tate’s sweary Nan.

ACT ONE
It is Christmas Eve.  Granny is in residence. She is not sure why she is here but she thinks she may be visiting for Easter.  The Shah is now on holiday – he invariably (and inexplicably) becomes irritatingly skittish at Christmas.

Me:  Dinner’s ready – come and sit down everyone!
Children (fighting viciously):  Shotgun not sitting next to Granny.
Shah:  Anyone want a drink?
Granny:  DEFINITELY! (Grabs proffered glass of wine, downs it like it’s a shot. Burps loudly).  WHAT’S THIS? (Pokes food on plate)
Me: It’s Lasagne.
Granny:  DON’T WE NORMALLY HAVE LAMB AT EASTER?
All in chorus: IT’S NOT EASTER – IT’S CHRISTMAS.
Granny: NO NEED TO FUCKING SHOUT. 
(She then spies the Shah doing a hideous parody of a Hindi dance in the corner of the kitchen for no apparent reason.)
Granny: WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH HIM? (Refills own glass)
Me: How long have you got?
Children: (snigger wildly) He’s a mad fucker, Granny.
Granny:  I'm not the Pheasant Fucker, I'm the Pheasant Fucker’s son and I'm only fucking Pheasants....ooh, hang on, that’s not quite right, is it?
Children (snorting so hard, Lasagne comes out of their noses). HAHAHAHAHA
Moi: (bangs head hard on wall).  AAAARGH.
Granny:  Refills glass again.  And again.  And again.

ACT TWO
It is Christmas Day.  Hungover teenagers are asleep.  The Shah is once again dancing in the kitchen.  It’s a sort of fish-slapping dance without the fish, he taking the part of Michael Palin.  I ache to play John Cleese.  Like this:-


The rest of the day passes without incident, mainly because I have taken the precaution of sewing a funnel into Granny's mouth which has made everyone a lot happier – especially her.

ACT THREE
It is three days later.  Extra visitors have arrived just in case I haven’t had enough of cooking, clearing up, gritting my teeth and smiling such a rictus grin that there are dried flies on my teeth. 
Granny:  I’m sorry everyone – the hospitality is appalling.  I can’t offer you any-fucking-thing.
Me:  Don’t worry – I’m doing all the cooking.  It’ll be fine.
Granny:  Oh good.  In that case, how do you get a drink round here?
Children:  Snigger
Me: Sigh
Visitors: Would you like to hear our opinion on world politics and medical ethics?
Me and the Shah exchange glances.
Me:  Erm, not really – (scrabbles around hopelessly for a diversion)  Um, where are you going on holiday this year?
Visitors: Blah blah blah blah blah
ShahPulls a face behind their back which makes me and the children snort with laughter. 
Granny (half cut):  WHERE’S MY FUCKING EASTER EGG?

Fades to black.

Happy New Year.  I think.

21 comments:

  1. Priceless! I think Granny plus the wrinklies who were at mine this year would get on like a house on fire. Shall we put them together next year so me and you can bugger off to the pub?

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    1. Trish - you genuinely have no idea how incredibly appealing that is!!

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  2. Give her turkey at Easter just to confuse her a bit more....

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  3. This should come with a technology health warning - I nearly sprayed gin all over my keyboard at the dried flies.

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    1. Tim, I don't know whether to be more upset about the risk to your technology or the loss of the gin!

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  4. ho ho ho .....and a happy and peaceful new year!!

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    1. Thank you YAH - some peace I could certainly do with!

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  5. Woohoo! I have a small window of opportunity to comment on your post (can't normally get here as the ISP I usually use gets sniffy about your blog and won't let me near it), so Happy New Year to you too, and The Shah, and The Kids. But most especially Granny. She sounds ace!

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    1. Andy - I am honoured by your visit, however fleeting! You still sound elated by your recent nuptials and I am sure you have better things to do than comment upon my humble bloggette (ahem), so I am even more flattered! You had us all fooled - well, some of us. So the FMA = AG? Very best wishes to you both!!

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  6. And IS granny staying till Easter? Are you sure there isn't something the Shah's forgotten to tell you??

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  7. Oh that was really funny, I don't think any of it was the Shah's fault was it? *runs and hides* Brilliant Granny. Hostess with mostess? You should sell that to the BBC. A very Happy New Year to you too xx

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    1. Oi! Whose side are you on? Your card is marked!

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  8. happy new year! you've reminded me of a very productive week I spent working on a campsite and learning the 'one red ant' drinking game that reaches its high point with the pheasant plucking! whatever happened to drinking games?

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  9. Can't comment: snorting through nose!

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    1. That sounds deeply attractive, HF!!

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  10. Hi Janice - Id never heard of 'One Red Ant' although I can vaguely remember playing a game called 'Cardinal Puff' in my misspent youth. I Googled drinking games and, just in case you feel like playing any time, here's what happened to them... http://www.angelfire.com/ca/drinkinggames/
    Enjoy!!

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  11. Just so you know, I put this post forward for blog lovin' on this blog today http://dorkymum.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/sharing-the-blog-love/ xx

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