Sunday, 9 June 2013

How to tell you've been married too long

Quite apart from existing purely for your pity entertainment, I have decided that I should be doing more for my faithful readers. Consequently, I offer you here the Every Silver Lining Guide to marriage.  How is it for you?  How do you rate your other half?  Has it all been going on too long?

Yes chums, just answer a few simple, multiple choice questions and the truth (backed by years of drinking borne of desperation solid social research) will be revealed.  You'll thank me later.  Really.
  1. When you first got together, you had pet names for each other which made you giggle.  How do you speak to each other affectionately today?
    1. We use the same pet names as all those years ago of course!
    2. He calls me 'baby'
    3. 'You feckin' goon' just about covers it.
  2. You are going out to a swish party.  You have lost a few pounds, bought a new dress, done the mani-pedi thing and, overall, you are quite pleased with the way you look.  As you come downstairs, how does your spouse greet you?
    1. 'Darling!  You look wonderful - is that a new dress?'
    2. 'At last! - better get a wriggle on - the taxi's waiting'
    3. 'Fuck me - I didn't know Dame Edna was in town.'
  3. You need a haircut and decide to try out a different style.  On arrival home, what does your other half say?
    1. 'Darling! You look wonderful - is that a new hairstyle?'
    2. Nothing - he doesn't notice.
    3. 'Wendolene!  Thanks!  I've been trying to remember the name of that woman in Wallace & Gromit all day.'
  4. You have a rare evening in together - no children, no interruptions.  Does he:-
    1. Lay the table with flowers and candles and cook you a special romantic dinner featuring your favourite food?
    2. Suggest you go to the pub and then call in at the curry house for a Vindaloo?
    3. Neck a can of Fosters, slump on the sofa with his hand down his kecks and fall into a deep, snoring slumber, only waking up when you stamp off to bed, saying 'I suppose a shag's out of the question?' in an injured voice.
  5. It is your birthday.  What do you receive?
    1. Beautiful lingerie, wrapped in delicate lavender-scented tissue and presented in a chic designer box?
    2. A large bouquet of flowers and some John Lewis vouchers?
    3. A shifty look and a feeble excuse.  Perm any one from the following
        1. Erm, I haven't had time.
        2. I ordered XXX but it hasn't arrived yet.
        3. We don't really do birthdays, do we?
  6. It is Valentine's day.  What do you receive?
    1. Your whole bedroom is filled with red roses.  There is a bottle of Krug in the fridge and a gift-wrapped Tiffany box left under your pillow.
    2. A bunch of slightly wilted garage flowers and a 'humorous' card.
    3. A pat on the hand and a 'Valentine's isn't really for married people, is it?'
  7. You are getting ready to go out.  How does your husband behave?
    1. He runs you a scented bath at the exact temperature you adore and sprinkles rose petals on the surface of the water.
    2. He goes in the shower first and uses most of the hot water.
    3. He strips off and drops all his clothes on the floor.  On his way to the shower, he diverts past you, waves his giblets at you and shouts "woo-hoo".  Coming out, he drops the wet towel on the bed, waves his giblets at you and shouts "woo-hoo" whilst winking lewdly.
  8. You are going to dinner with friends and it is time to leave.  You call up the stairs to your husband.  How does he reply?
    1. 'Coming darling - just another dab of aftershave.'
    2. 'Won't be a sec - have you seen my belt?'
    3. 'Just a feckin' minute woman - I'm shaving my ears.'
  9. You overhear your husband having a whispered conversation with someone unseen.  He is crooning, "ooh baby, I love you" and other endearments.  Who is he talking to?
    1. His Mother.
    2. His girlfriend.
    3. The cat.
  10. Your husband offers to make you a sandwich for lunch.  What sort?
    1. Organic hand cut Italian ham, organic salad ingredients, organic mayonnaise all on hand-made Artisan bread?
    2. Marmite.
    3. Bombay Mix three inches deep, topped with half a pint of tomato ketchup.

Mainly 1s - Your husband is Gay.
Mainly 2s - He's quite a normal bloke, really.
Mainly 3s - The Shah has more than one wife.