Saturday, 1 January 2011

We resolve...

The past few days’ electronic silence has mainly been due (I must confess) to some shilly-shallying about how to approach the thorny subject of a new year on the horizon.  I have now resolved (ha ha – geddit?) not to bore you all by being yet another blogger who lists reams of worthy intentions when, in reality, my New Year (any year) always tends to end up as 1/12 detox to 11/12 re-tox.

I will, however, share a deeply depressing conversation I had with my beautiful teenage daughter only a couple of days ago.

TD:  Mum – I’ve made a New Year Resolution!
Me:  Huzzah! (Fondly imagining an improved work ethic, a tidier bedroom, less bickering with her brother, fewer swearwords rebounding off the walls).
TD:  (Proudly) I’m going to become a Vegetarian!
Me:  (in a warm and maternal manner) Oh crap no...
TD:  I can’t stand meat any more – it’s like ewwwwwww (pulls face of disgust)
Me:  (Threateningly) Ugh – you’ll have to eat TOFU (pulls face of disgust).  Anyway, you love bacon.
TD:  I can live without it.   It comes from pigs – like, ewwwwwww.
Me:  (now babbling helplessly and sensing a battle about to be lost) Er, first class protein, er, amino acids, er building blocks of life – er, growth spurts, ummmm ...
TD:  That Louis from One Direction is really hot...
Me:  Can we get back on the subject please?  This is an important discussion.
TD:  (looks blank)  What’s to discuss?  I’ll eat Quorn.
Me:  (outraged)  Quorn?  QUORN?  It’s made of mushrooms – you hate mushrooms.
TD:  (as if talking to a retard)  Yes mum, but it doesn’t TASTE like mushrooms.  (Pats my hand condescendingly).
Me:  (feebly) Quorn is made to LOOK like meat.  You may as well just eat the bloody meat....Quorn is just cheating.....(voice trails away as the bitter realisation that the battle is well and truly lost hits home...)

So – we head to the supermarket where I am forced to purchase stonking amounts of ludicrously expensive vegetarian sausages, burgers, and vile-looking soya mince which looks like something a drunk has left on a pavement as a calling card.

Later that day, the Shah and I decide on a lovely family outing to the cinema.  We resolve (ha ha, see – I’ve done it again!  Is there no beginning to my wit?) to see Little Fockers on the grounds that we can put up with it and the children will like it.  The children react in a wholly lukewarm manner (I may have even caught a glimpse of a bit of eye-rolling, I’m not sure) and behave as if they are doing us a gigantic favour.  Undeterred and to facilitate TS’s social life which often doesn’t even begin until late at night, I mention that we could catch an early showing at our local independent cinema.  The reaction is volcanic.

“Whaaaat?  I’m not going to that shithole!  If you wanna go there, you can go on your own.  It’s shite – you and Dad only like it because they sell BOOZE and you can take the BOOZE into the cinema with you.  And get drunk, like, AGAIN.”

Ahem.  There is, of course, absolutely no truth in this opinion and to prove it, we end up at the giant-screen multiplex which is inconveniently miles away but where you can buy colossal buckets of popcorn, bilious-looking cheesy slime which oozes over bland nachos and gallons of fizzy drink.  Yay!  As an added bonus, you even get to stick to the floor when you walk.  Wow!  The film is okay but nothing to write home about and nowhere near as full of belly-laughs as the first two.  Time to abandon that franchise methinks, particularly as the latest version featured Owen Wilson playing a blond, shaggy haired airhead.  As opposed to Wedding Crashers  where he played a fair-haired tousle-headed dipstick  or You Me & Dupree where he played a flaxen shaggy-headed pillock or Marley & get my drift.

Exiting the cinema, I suggest a light repast – possibly a Pizza to facilitate the new Vegetarian.  Cue another eruption from number one son. 

“Pizza?  I don’t want Pizza.  Me and Dad want NANDOS where they sell MEAT, not poncy pizza crap...”  I point out (quite accurately) that it is not the meat that attracts his father to Nandos, merely the availability of gallons of chilli sauce with which the Shah likes to anoint his food. The Shah adopts a hunted look.

“Anyway,” continues TS in an outraged voice, discernible to the whole of the Home Counties, “she’s not a f*****g vegetarian!  She had a Ham and Cheese toastie for lunch!” 

We turn as one person to glare at TD.  Her cheeks blush the colour of rare beef.  “Er, well,” she stutters, “it was disgusting and like, the veggie thing doesn’t officially start until New Year’s Day.....”

Give me strength. 


  1. My teenage daughter has been a vegetarian for nearly 2 years now, originally she wanted to go Vegan but I managed to talk her out of then when I took her to the supermarket and showed her that all she would technically be eating were vegetables LOL
    Quorn soon went out of the window too, it gets so bloody boring and it's bland bland bland!
    She's still vegetarian but that's only thanks to her lovely Mum (me) who keeps coming up with new ideas of things she can try.
    Good luck :)

  2. Hi Taz and welcome - it's good to know that there are others out there suffering like me! She has very graciously said that she will eat fish but I'm not sure how long that will last . I hope to God nobody mentions Veganism in her hearing!

  3. Oh my god, I'm certain this is going to happen to me soon - the Teenager eats very little meat and is edging towards becoming a Vegetable herself. Please no!

    And my sister is a veggie, but hardly eats any vegetables - she survives on that awful Quorn and lots of soya based products pretending to be meat. Like you, I just don't see the point.

    You have my sympathy. oh, and happy new year!

  4. Gah! Thank you - I feel I'm going to need a lot of sympathy if she keeps this nonsense up. Bring on the fillet steak! And Happy New Year to you too!

  5. I was a veggie for 9 years, did I ever tell you? I still remember my mother's horror when it came to Christmas and she realised that a turkey dinner wouldn't be acceptable to my new found vegetarianism. She made me a nut roast and within half an hour I was poleaxed by the worst case of flatulence in the Northern Hemisphere. Tell TD she'll fart a lot and that should sort it out. I only got better when I fell pregnant with The Boy and craved frozen shepherd's pie. Still that's probably not the resolution to TD's vegetarianism you are looking for!

    I have just started a new blog. It's at See you there and Happy New Year to the Curry Queen household xx

  6. I'm so pleased she's going to join her auntie in the veggie club, after New Year obviously x

  7. Auntie - you traitor! Do you have room for a little one? (Actually not so little - she towers over me!) x ps Happy New Year!

  8. Mme Marmite - welcome home! Great to hear from you but what do I call you now? Madame RiverCottage just doesn't seem to have the same ring to it, but I will hasten to the new blog forthwith. All well inthe CQ household although the Shah is naughtier than ever . Happy New Year to you and yours xx


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