The other night we were having dinner en famille. (See - my French ‘O’ level wasn’t wasted, then). Keen on conversation that includes the whole family, as opposed to the usual erm, vibrant discussion between the Shah and his son on anything to do with sport or an in-depth dissection of the latest cricket scores, I asked the family if they had finally made any Resolutions for 2011.
The daughter wisely keeps off the subject of Vegetarianism as we have had quite enough of that malarkey already as witnessed here.
The Shah remains unnaturally silent. Number One Son looks blank and says something along the lines of “ceebs.” Rapidly dodging my fearsome interrogative skills, he turns the question back on me.
“Easy,” I reply – “the same as most people – eat less, drink less, weigh less.”
There follows some heated debate about my (wholly puritanical, I assure you) drinking habits which I will not bore you with. Eventually, the whole thing peters out and, as one man, the family refuse to be drawn on any kind of meaningful discussion.
Consequently, I decided to do it for them. I was fairly certain that my list of "Resolutions Made on Your Behalf, love Mum x" would resonate (how I hate that word and that usage of it) with my readership. However, having started and got as far as number six, I realised that they were all bloody boring and boiled down to pick up your towels, put stuff in the dishwasher, not on the worktop above it and remember to feed the cats/put the washing machine on/ iron a shirt once in a while instead of waiting for me to do it.
So, I turned my attention to celebrities. Those people who, more than any teenager on the planet, generally need to amend their behaviour big time in any given year. Then, having constructed the list below, I shelved it for fear of getting the a*se sued off me. Some weeks later, the very lovely Wylye Girl constructed her list entitled “Which 5 celebrities would you punch?” and it seems that this is a meme that will run and run.
However, this is me, Mrs Gobby of Gobville (memo to self – you chose the wrong name for your blog – it should have been Gobby Queen) and I am utterly unable to leave it at 5 when there are so many I could NEVER tire of punching. So far I’m up to around 20 and I’d better stop here or I really will get the a*se sued off me!
Liz Hurley – get thee to a nunnery. Preferably an enclosed order. With no Wi-fi.
Paul McCartney – you are old so stop making the peace sign incessantly. Back in the 60’s it looked hip and cool. Today it looks tragic. PS get a decent hairdresser too. Yours is feckin’ colour-blind by the look of it.
Max Clifford – please retire. This will save us from the wittering of the human sludge that makes up your clientèle.
Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell. Enough is enough. Go away. Sorry – Wor Cheryl, leev wor alone pet.
Anyone with the surname Beckham - ditto.
His Holiness Pope Bono I. What, are you blind or something? Is that why you wear those spazzy yellow sunglasses come rain or shine? Newsflash – they make you look like an insect. On second thoughts, keep them on – it’s preferable to the natural you.
The Royal Family I was quite a Royalist at one time. Now I’m just sick of them all – especially the ones who perform no discernibly useful function except to possibly hold seminars on “How to Fall Out of Nightclubs Whilst Simultaneously Soaking the Taxpayer for Protection Money. I’m talking to you Beatrice and Eugenie.
And as for your father.....[grinds teeth]...not to mention your aunt who permanently looks like a cross between a Grand National Winner and a bulldog chewing a wasp....oh, and your mother...gaaah [falls to the floor, purple-faced and gasping with rage]
Elton John and David Furnish. What the hell are you thinking? Your chances of raising a well balanced human being are precisely nil. Give the poor little mite up for adoption so it can live a normal life away from toxic amounts of money.
Paris Hilton – you define pointlessness. You remind me of someone or something. Can’t think what though.
|Not Paris Hilton|
Justin Bieber – go on, we all know you are 38 in reality. Admit it.
Peaches Geldof – do you seriously believe that we seriously believe that you got books by Freud, Jung, Plato Sartre etc for Christmas? We all know you got the Hello Annual so shut up.
Russell Brand – you are someone I could never tire of slapping. The only marginally funny thing you have ever done is to put a photo of your ghastly wife on Twitter looking like a hag.
Colleen Rooney – How much did you get for your soul? What is the going rate for souls these days?
James Blunt. Man or rhyming slang?
Madonna. You look in need of a good steak and a couple of pints of full fat milk. Sinewy is not sexy. And quit with the sanctimony – no-one believes you. Oh, and Kabbalah is Cobbalahs.
Alan Carr – The bastard love child of Janet Street Porter and Joe Pasquale. Enough said.
Lawks - I feel so much better after that! Go on – share! Which celebs would you like to view down the business end of a blunt instrument?