Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Pussy Riot - Scenes from Christmas

Hello chums and a very happy New Year to you all.  I hope you've all had a wonderful time over Christmas, clasped to the bosoms of your respective families.  I'm afraid that I am once again in need of catharsis and so, I am taking the liberty of sharing some scenes from Christmas at Crap Cottage with you:-

Christmas Eve
Mama’s flat.  I have arrived to collect her so that she can come and spend Christmas with us.  She has had a short power cut due to the massive storms we have been having here in the UK over the past week. 

Mama:  Well, we had a power cut and I can’t bear waste.  Points to a pile of carrier bags.  I investigate.
Moi:  Erm, what’s this lot?
Mama:  Just a few bits from the fridge and the freezer.  I can’t bear waste.
Moi: OMG.
Mama:  Yes, well...I can’t bear waste.  Did I say?

I investigate further.  The bags contain a mountain of epicurean delights amongst which I count two lettuce leaves, 5 baby new potatoes and a pint and a half of milk.  Oh and let’s not forget the quarter bottle of Sainsbury’s medium white wine.  No siree.

Christmas Day 
The day passes relatively uneventfully.  The only tiny fly in the ointment comes courtesy of mama’s love for our cat.  A love which is reciprocated. 

This is Paddy:-
As you can see, he is a fairly unremarkable (and pretty stupid) ginger and white moggy.  Despite his lack of neurons and fairly grumpy nature, he is much adored by us all.

Mama spends many happy hours mauling  stroking the cat and he is very happy with the attention.  However, mama’s failing memory means that she cannot, for the life of her, remember Paddy's name.  Consequently, she refers to him as ‘pussy’ most of the time.  This causes my vile and feral children to snigger wildly and me to cast them evil glances which they (naturally) ignore.

So we had the usual round of “ooh – look at this lovely pussy” (smirk from children), “What a pretty pussy!” (mild sniggering from children) and so on and so on.  However, on Christmas Day it all came to a head.  Like this:-

It is the evening.  We have eaten and drunk well and given and received lots of lovely presents.  Even Paddy has had a gift – a glittery gold collar to go with his ginger fur.  He is fairly unimpressed by this as he would have much preferred a leg of turkey but he is sanguine.  And here is the evidence:-

The whole family is lolling around in the living room, including Mama who is on cat watch.

Enter Paddy.  Mama, who is stone deaf much of the time can, bizarrely, hear the bell on his collar from the next street.  She tries to attract his attention.

Mama: Pussy!  Pussy!  (gesticulates wildly.  Children snigger loudly).

Paddy knows which side his Whiskas is buttered and jumps up onto her lap.

Mama:  Ah!  Good boy!  Look – I've got a lovely, sparkly pussy!

I hear strangulated guffawing noises coming from the children.  Son is lying on the floor in the foetal position sobbing with laughter and attempting to shove a cushion into his mouth.  Daughter is hanging upside down off the sofa, trying to turn her face away whilst mouthing the word “vajazzle” at her brother.  Even I can’t hold back the laughter.  It falls to the Shah (uncharacteristically) to behave like a grown up and admire Mama’s lovely, sparkly pussy in the way she intended.

19 comments:

  1. Hhahaha!!! Brilliant tale!
    Mothers, eh?

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    1. They can always be relied upon to let you down, eh Rog?!

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  2. Oh fantastic!! That's the first Christmas post I've read where a vajazzle has been mentioned!! Happy new year to you all x

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    1. And hopefully the last Jay! Happy New Year to you and yours x

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  3. Priceless! Thanks for the hilarity. There's never a dull moment when your mum's around!!

    Happy New Year to you and your sparkly pussy. :)

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    1. There certainly isn't, Sarah. Happy New Year to you too and the less said about the sparkly pussy the better!

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  4. I think you would be letting the side down if you didn't get a vajazzle, I would love to hear the Shah's reaction to that :)

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  5. Ssshhh, AG - you'll put ideas in his head!

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  6. This is comedy gold. Mrs Slocombe is alive and well...

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    1. Thanks Trish - you're not the first person to draw that parallel!

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  7. I would have been sniggering along with your kids. Anything to do with fanny packs, pussies and bums gets me going.

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    1. Me too! As you can probably tell...... ;-)

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    2. Vajazzling must be the buzz word I fit into one of my posts in the New year - thank your kids (or your Mum!) for me

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    3. Oh my lord! Has the great vajazzle not yet hit the States? Google images await you if you dare! X

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  8. Replies
    1. Thanks YaH - happy new year to you too!

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