Monday, 11 February 2013

Jaffa the Hub

In the light of a new study from the Harvard School of Public Health that has found that watching too much TV can reduce fertility in young men, I breezily inform the Shah that I am amazed we ever managed to procreate at all.

"Whaddya mean by that?" he snorts, fumbling for the remote that seems somehow to have got itself stuck down his trousers.

"I mean, it's a wonder you're not a Jaffa* given the amount of time you spend glued to that thing" I reply.  

"Nonsense.  But while we're on the subject of the telly..."

Too late, I realise I have played right into his hands as he uses the opportunity to pitch for a new TV in the family room.  Although I sigh and pull faces, I'm quite pleased because the old one is ginormous and takes up half the room.  Viz:-

It was one of the first ever flat screen TVs but, as you can see, they hadn't quite got the hang of slimline technology all those years ago.  It also weighs 14 stone.  Yes, really.  That's 90kg or 196lbs for my non-British chums.

"Sooo," wheedles the Shah, "you know how we have to go to John Lewis on Saturday to pay for the new carpets?  We could have a look for a new TV at the same time!"  And he flops back onto the sofa, exhilarated by this grand idea but also exhausted by the effort of paying me this much attention.

However, there is (naturally) a fly in the ointment and, by Saturday, I had been struck down by the virus from hell and was feeling really, really awful.  However, carpets have to be paid for because John Lewis won't lay then without payment up front, cos they're funny like that. So I wearily trailed along with his nibs who was uncommonly chipper, considering we were going shopping - an activity that normally brings him out in hives.

Unfortunately, the person who served us in the flooring department was new and felt it safest to check every last full stop on the order before he could consider relieving me of my credit card to pay.  By this stage, I could have cheerfully lain down on a nearby pile of tufted samples and wept but I gritted my teeth and soldiered on, shivering. The Shah sat back happily in one of their thoughtfully-provided armchairs and eyed my flushed cheeks and glazed expression.

"Do you know what?" he asked
"Um, no," I mumbled, thinking "he's going to say 'let's not bother with the tv, you look terrible, I'm going to take you straight home and tuck you up with some Night Nurse and a hot water bottle'..."  He smiled slightly and leaned forward.

"I was thinking about my Pension the other day."

Inwardly, I am now screaming WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? But I have no energy to form the words, so I make some vague noises and try to smile.

The Shah continues unabashed.  "Contributions, blah, Stakeholders, blah, Insurance Premiums, blah, rates of return, blah, ROI, blah blah blah..." he burbles.

Eventually, the transaction is complete and we trail to the Electrical Department.  This is the equivalent of Shah Heaven.   He could (and did) spend hour on fecking hour gazing at all the screens on offer, waxing lyrical about the relative merits of HD over 3D (like I care).  Unfortunately again, the person the Shah chose to serve us this time was about as technologically boring inclined as he, so they went off on a little tangent wittering on to each other about internet connections and wireless keyboards. 

Death would have been sweet release.

E-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y the deed is struck, the Shah has snatched the bargain of the century from under the nose of some other unlucky sod and delivery has been arranged.

We arrive home to find our (17 and 20 year old) children engaged in a game that was a favourite when they were kiddies.  It's called 'Hub bub bub' and involves one person grabbing any excess flesh around the middle of the other and squeezing it to tickle them, all the time shrieking (you'll never guess) "Hub bub bub".  Of course, these days, they are far too big and strong and, sure enough, one was too rough and hurt the other one and the whole thing disintegrated into a cacophony of punching and name-calling.

The Shah eyed the brawl being enacted on the kitchen floor as he stepped over the tangle of arms and legs.

"What was that you were saying about being a Jaffa?" he asked with a certain wistfulness.

*Jaffa - a coarse term to indicate that someone is infertile - i.e. seedless.

19 comments:

  1. Peter Andre is a Jaffa as well. Thick skinned, easily peeled and bright orange.

    John Lewis TV dept staff exude a smugness only rarely equalled.

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    1. I'll grant you the thick skinned and bright orange qualities of Mr Andre - not so sure about how easy it would be to peel him...

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  2. Have never ever heard that term before!! And the fat squeezing thing I do to myself. We have one of those flat screen TV and I seldom watch it as I can't turn it on. I keep pressing stuff and it all goes very wrong. What was wrong with the fat arse ones I want to know?

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    1. Ah! Great British colloquialisms! You can rely on me to lower the tone, Jody!

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    2. I suppose once you go skinny you never go back (in the TV world that is...)

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  3. I pestered for years to upgrade our ginourmous box of a TV and it fell on deaf ears (don't change what ain't broke"), however one day the husband decided today was the day and we got the whole caboodle including sky... it dawned on me later that the cricket world cup started on sky the following week!!

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    1. It's amazing how they spring into life when there's something in it for them isn't it?!

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  4. I hope you eventually managed to take yourself off to bed with Night Nurse and a hot water bottle (or a bed warmer).

    I had two extra boys over for the night last weekend. The mess and quantities eaten were staggering. We are now living out of the freezer until my next shopping day! But they didn't actually make war on each other and have it all end in a punch up. Small mercies...

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    1. Much recovered now, thank you Sarah. Boys can eat unbelievable amounts of food - I couldn't believe the difference in the food bills when my son went to Uni (or the reduction in mess ;-))

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  5. Nice article, thanks for the information.

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  6. But is it really really HUGE??? Because, you know, size matters....
    (Sorry...I can see the spam arriving here now....)

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    1. I take it the online dating is going well then Macy?!!

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  7. "he's going to say 'let's not bother with the tv, you look terrible, I'm going to take you straight home and tuck you up with some Night Nurse and a hot water bottle'..."

    Hello? Isn't he a man? Poor you - that's what we're supposed to say to them.

    Hope you're feeling better. Glad you're well enough to write that down because You. Are. Hilarious!

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    1. I know you're right but I still live in (foolish) hope all these years later! And thank you for the kind words x

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  8. I sit on the sofa quite a lot, but hardly ever watch TV. Does that make me more or less fertile? Do I care?

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    1. Well Tim, I'm not sure whether you care or not seeing as I've read a few hints on your blog about you becoming less single.....

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  9. Oh I'm nodding at lots of things here but particularly the pensions/finance chat which I seem to get on a weekly basis. I tune out but then the bugger tests me to see if I've been listening.

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    1. OMG tests? I would fail every single time!

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Oh go on - say something for God's sake...