Sunday, 11 March 2012

Erotica cream and other stories

That got your attention eh?!  I assure you, dear readers, that headline is not just some spurious attempt to bump up my hits (although every cloud and all that – geddit?) and there will be more of that later.

This week, I am back on the theme of the vagaries of parenthood.  There comes a time in every parent’s life when the dreaded words “Mum, can I have a party?” assault your ears.  And so it came to pass.  After endless weeks and months of nagging, and whining and “like EVERYONE else has had one,” the Shah and I were finally worn down and agreed to a Gathering* rather than a full-blown party.  This was to take the form of a belated 17th birthday celebration for our daughter and (more nagging, whining etc) numbers were set at “around 35 people”.  We weren't stupid enough to think that this would be the case, but hoped we might get away with 40...and some of them had to leave early anyway as, like all good social butterflies, they had other parties to go on to.

Now God knows the British teenager has a terrible reputation and we did not intend to see any of this:
Or this:

going on in our kitchen, so certain ground rules were laid.
  • Limited alcohol would be supplied and none of the hard stuff.
  • Certain areas of the house would be off limits
  • The Shah and I would be present but would confine ourselves to our  bedroom and would be out like rats up a drainpipe at the first sound of any breaking glass, violence or other impropriety.
  •  She was to warn the immediate neighbours – she did and they were both fine about it – even psycho woman who lives over the back.
  • Yes, some of them could stay but I wasn’t having the house turned into a knocking shop.
  •  No drugs.  At all.
We removed all our own alcohol from downstairs and stashed it in our room (slightly worrying to see just how much we have, lol).  Breakables and precious items were likewise put away.  And then it was all systems go.  We hoped we had thought of everything and lay nervously on the bed, trying to watch Graham Norton on a tiny, crappy TV that kept buzzing and had a rubbish picture whilst keeping one ear open for trouble.

The Shah unhelpfully put his earphones in while I sprang up to peer anxiously out of the window every time the doorbell went and boy, did it go.  It is fair to say that we both learned certain things from the experience. 
  • When the sounds of slurpy kissing were heard on the landing outside our door, followed by a boy’s voice saying, “hey, shall we find somewhere....?”  it turned out that a loud cough can come in very handy.  Footsteps receded downstairs rather rapidly.
  • It’s not terribly comforting when one of your daughter’s best friends sticks her head round the door to say hello and thank you and adds “I think you guys are really brave...”
  • It’s also not comforting to hear someone calling your daughter and shrieking “we need toilet roll!  NOW!”
  •  Your blood runs cold when your (slightly the worse for wear) daughter stumbles into the  bedroom at 11.30pm to announce that the Police are at the front door and would like to speak to us. 
It turns out that Psycho woman (who really is monumentally odd) had complained that there were people “singing in the garden”.  So rather than come round and knock on the door and ask us to keep in down a bit, she called the Rozzers.  We had the classic good cop/bad cop scenario – hulking, unsmiling male and warm, fuzzy female.  We registered our disgust and agreed to get everyone indoors.  And frankly, if that’s all they were doing, then I am damn grateful!

About 12.45, we called a halt and the remnants shuffled off amidst a chorus of “Thanks for having us!” – really, it was all so well-behaved it was embarrassing.  The clean up the next morning was humungous.  It’s amazing how much mess an extra 40 people tramping through your house can make.  I had to wash the kitchen floor SIX times.  Yes SIX.  After the fifth wash, the water looked like this:-

Along with the butts of a thousand fags, we also found a large number of these

dotted around the garden.   We were puzzled.  “What are they?” we asked the ragged remnants who had slept over.  “Oh, they’re for filling balloons,” they chorused – and there were plenty of flaccid balloons lying around.  And then we found the box they came in.

I'm a woman of the world.  I haven't led a particularly sheltered life.  But you know the really shocking this about this?  It was the realisation that they had actually been using the little gas capsules to blow up balloons, not to discharge whipped cream all over one another.  Teenagers of today!  I ask you....
*A Gathering is a smaller venture than a party.  But do not be fooled; there are sub-divisions to Gatherings and you can have small, medium and large.  Guess which we got lumbered with?


  1. Glad it went so well. My daughter had a party last November for her 15th birthday and they were all really well behaved too. What's wrong with today's teenagers?

  2. It's weird isn't it? As I was clearing up at almost 1am, I was joined by a battalion of nice boys who insisted on helping!

  3. Respect to you for allowing the party and well done to your daughter and her friends for keeping things under control.
    I asked my son if he wanted to do anything for his 16th and he said, nah!
    When I was younger I was part of a great group of teenagers and accommodating parents, there were lots of parties and somehow the younger generation always appreciated this so there was never any trouble.

  4. Sounds like a classic good party. But that psycho woman needs some counselling. Amazed the police responded - there's no crime there!

  5. Trish - I think boys like parties but can't actually be bothered to organise one for themselves! At least if my son is anything o go by!

  6. Tim - I was surprised as well. To my mind they should have had her up for wasting police time.

  7. No you guys are really brave...!
    My neighbours over the back fence have only just got their house sorted again (new carpets, new kitchen door) after their daughter's 17th....

  8. My eldest has yet to ask me to have a party at ours. He loves going to others, and some of his friends have regular parties, but they also have nice big houses. Get 5 people in my living room and it's a crowd so there's no way 40 would make it.

    How nice to hear that they are having a good time in such a nice way. You must have been relieved they didn't trash the house, vomit on the sofa or set fire to the cat! :)

  9. Given my experience of parties as a 17 year old, I would rather nail my feet to the deck of a sinking ship than agree to one at my house.....

  10. It's official - you have the best parties ever! With or without the cream being used for its intended purposes! And your photos are a breath of fresh air on a Monday morning.

  11. Macy - blimey, we were lucky then!

    Sarah - we'd certainly have been pushed to get all 40 indoors, which is why they spilled out into the garden. There was no vomming (as far as I could tell), nothing broken and nothing stolen. The poor cat was a bit freaked out and spent some time under the bed but, apart from that and a bit of mess, it was no big deal. Can't tell you how relieved we are!

  12. Macy - we really were lucky then!

  13. Sorry - Blogger is playing up and won't let me leave long comments to multiple people without giving me some error message....trying again...

    Andy - I think there's a blogpost in those memories!

    Actually Jody, the photos are fairly gross, but whatever turns you on! The daughter was thrilled with how well it went, which is what matters really.

  14. Your kids sound really grounded and I loved the 'cough' you gave to frighten youngsters from your bedroom door!
    Most of our kids are not as bad as the media makes out perhaps?

  15. I'm with Andy, I remember what I got up to at all the house parties at that age, plus I've seen big one's friends' facebook pictures - not a chance! :)

  16. Libby - the cough was very effective, thank God!

    Taz- I guess we took a calculated risk and were lucky. I was worried about gatecrashers more than anything else as we live on the road that runs from the station to the town, but thankfully we didn't have that problem, otherwise it might have been me calling the police!


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