I believe this began over at Kate Takes 5 and I would love to contribute as slagging off celebrities, time-wasters and all round piss artists is my speciality. Clearly the Teenagers are somewhat older than Kate's kids so I am taking the liberty of naming 5 Teenage Programmes I Hate as I am unable to join in with the CBeebies crowd (Thank You God!) Mind you, I have paid my dues in that direction and could still probably name every sodding engine on Thomas (what tw*t ever thought of inviting Ringo Starr to do the voiceover? - have a listen, it'll make you want to top yourself) never mind sing the Fireman Sam theme tune in six languages. So here goes:-
- Hollyoaks. Just the theme tune is enough to bring me out in hives. Pointless, brainless and charmless.
- Anything with the word Kardashian in the title. For the uninitiated, this is some sort of docu-soap about the Kardashian family featuring Kim, Khloe (yep, really), Kourtney, Kris, Kendall and Kylie. I Kid you not. It's Krap.
- Gossip Girl. To be pronounced Gaaahsip Gurrrl. See no. 1 for a description. Just aimless and bitchy and shallow and vapid.
- The Joy of Teen Sex. I make myself sit through this pretence at social commentary out of a sense of parental duty. Most of the time it makes me feel faintly nauseous and if I tell you that I used to be a Theatre Nurse, you will understand that I have a pretty strong stomach. This week's episode showing a lad having a Prince Albert, erm, fitted (inserted? - not sure of the correct verb usage here) was stomach-churning. TD wants an extra piercing in her ear. She was slightly put off to find out that her friend had got her Tragus pierced and they used an Epidural needle to do it (no anaesthetic) because they need a big, hollow needle to punch out some of the cartilage. Eeeeeewwwwww.
- My Super Sweet Sixteen. This is horrendous. You should watch the American version for maximum effect although the British version is almost as bad. For some reason, 16 is now viewed as being just as important a birthday as 18 or 21 - no idea why or how this has come about but this programme celebrates ghastly, grasping teenagers being over indulged by idiot savant parents with more money than sense. The last one I saw featured a fat brat sitting up in bed calling her mum on her mobile (mum was in the kitchen) screaming at her to come and take away the "disgusting" breakfast mum had lovingly made and delivered to her to eat in bed. What a cow. Seriously - watch it if you can and prepare to be horrified at the sheer scale of the parties arranged for these kids. I'm no great fan of Charlie Brooker but he's got this right:-
Any advances on that lot?