Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Listography - 5 children's programmes I hate...

I believe this began over at Kate Takes 5 and I would love to contribute as slagging off celebrities, time-wasters and all round piss artists is my speciality.  Clearly the Teenagers are somewhat older than Kate's kids so I am taking the liberty of naming 5 Teenage Programmes I Hate as I am unable to join in with the CBeebies crowd (Thank You God!)  Mind you, I have paid my dues in that direction and could still probably name every sodding engine on Thomas (what tw*t ever thought of inviting Ringo Starr to do the voiceover? - have a listen, it'll make you want to top yourself) never mind sing the Fireman Sam theme tune in six languages.  So here goes:-

  1. Hollyoaks.  Just the theme tune is enough to bring me out in hives.  Pointless, brainless and charmless.
  2. Anything with the word Kardashian in the title.  For the uninitiated, this is some sort of docu-soap about the Kardashian family featuring Kim, Khloe (yep, really), Kourtney, Kris, Kendall and Kylie.  I Kid you not.  It's Krap.
  3. Gossip Girl.  To be pronounced Gaaahsip Gurrrl.  See no. 1 for a description.  Just aimless and bitchy and shallow and vapid.
  4. The Joy of Teen Sex.  I make myself sit through this pretence at social commentary out of a sense of parental duty.  Most of the time it makes me feel faintly nauseous and if I tell you that I used to be a Theatre Nurse, you will understand that I have a pretty strong stomach.  This week's episode showing a lad having a Prince Albert, erm, fitted (inserted? - not sure of the correct verb usage here) was stomach-churning.  TD wants an extra piercing in her ear.  She was slightly put off to find out that her friend had got her Tragus pierced and they used an Epidural needle to do it (no anaesthetic) because they need a big, hollow needle to punch out some of the cartilage.  Eeeeeewwwwww.
  5. My Super Sweet Sixteen.  This is horrendous.  You should watch the American version for maximum effect although the British version is almost as bad.  For some reason, 16 is now viewed as being just as important a birthday as 18 or 21 - no idea why or how this has come about but this programme celebrates ghastly, grasping teenagers being over indulged by idiot savant parents with more money than sense.  The last one I saw featured a fat brat sitting up in bed calling her mum on her mobile (mum was in the kitchen) screaming at her to come and take away the "disgusting" breakfast mum had lovingly made and delivered to her to eat in bed.  What a cow.  Seriously - watch it if you can and prepare to be horrified at the sheer scale of the parties arranged for these kids.  I'm no great fan of Charlie Brooker but he's got this right:- 

Any advances on that lot?


  1. Aw ffs can you believe it? I am shocked beyond belief at the American party thing, jeez I hope my lot don't start watching that and demanding

  2. Aww now and there was me busy organising Big One's Sweet Sixteenth like a crazy woman!
    It's hideous isn't it. I watch it with my two because it's brilliant for a laugh and after every episode I thank my stars that I have two 'normal' kids who don't need labels and all that crap to feel important.

    I have watched only one of the Teen Sex thing, like you I thought I had a strong stomach but it fair near flipped out of my nostril listening and watching it. There are perhaps somethings we just don't need to know. :)

    Saint Taz xx

  3. I was made to watch that very episode of JoTS....I just closed my eyes, stuck my fingers in my ears, chanted a mantra of "go to a happy place" repeatedly and refused to be subjected to the Prince Albert demonstration.

    The world was a better place before I knew such things were done to willing participants....

  4. I actually feel sick after wathcing that clip. Bring back Hannah Montana - all is forgiven. (Seriously though - you have my sympathies).

  5. Auntie - sorry to have rocked your world with that little snippet. That's actually not the worst one I have seen (can you believe it?) but what an unspeakable brat! I think the mother must carry a lot of the blame...

  6. St Taz of Ratbag - haha - I've got out of a gigantic party by organising for her and some friends to go and see Derren Brown when he comes to a local theatre in March. The Shah and I are allowed to go as well but we have to sit separately. Not cheap, but probably cheaper and definitely less risky than a party!

  7. Hi Andy and welcome! I feel you may have led a sheltered life but I don't blame you for sticking your fingers in your ears at that particular scene - it was utterly gross and I can't begin to imagine how uncomfortable it must be to wear - not to mention unhygienic but let's not go there!

  8. Kate - I'm sorry to disillusion you but this is the sort of thing you have to look forward to as your angelic small children grow up. Did you ever see that Harry Enfield "Kevin the Teenager" sketch where Kevin transmutes from a lovely, happy 12 year old into a hairy, scowling teenager as midnight strikes on his 13th birthday? It wasn't a sketch....

  9. thats a great list, thank you!

  10. I don't know what a Prince Albert is and I'm not sure I want to Google it...

    I've done my time with T the TT too, thankfully my youngest didn't really like it, or maybe he just got to watch the programmes my eldest was watching so missed out on endless repeats of stuff his age (am I sad...?).

  11. Ghostwriter Mummy - welcome! And thank you for your kind comment.

    Sarah - if you do pluck up the courage to Google Prince Albert, be sure to avoid the images button...

  12. We're doing something similar - big one chose to tickets to go see My Chemical Romance in Glasgow instead of a party. Best bit is when I asked her who she wanted to take with her she said 'You of course Mum!!' I'm no Saint hon but apparently I rock. LOL
    Please note when all this was arranged I had obviously managed to catch her on an upward swing of the old hormonal shift ;) It's all in the timing. xx

  13. Taz - you're so right - one minute I am the coolest thing on two legs, the next I am the Wicked Witch of the West...can't win really!


Oh go on - say something for God's sake...