Thursday, 24 December 2009

Stuff the turkey!

At last Christmas is almost here! Huzzah! You can tell I don't mean it, can't you? Actually, I loathe Christmas. For so many years I approached it light of heart and eager to make it memorable for all....then what happened? Well, when the children were small, one or both would inevitably get a cold/bronchitis/a tummy bug and would be up sneezing/hacking/puking all night long. As they got older and, eventually, discovered the lie that was Father Christmas, so their enthusiasm waned to the point that it is now a herculean task to prise them out of bed on Christmas morning. After a few years of this malarkey, you can see why I wonder why I bother!

Today, I read a hysterically funny (albeit unintentionally so) article in the Daily Mail. It recommended a wonderful new way to cook your turkey. Apparently, we should all cut the legs off it, then bone them and chop the bones into bits which we then make into a bed for Mr Turkey to sit on while he is roasting. Having done that, we should then take the flappy bits that once held the leg bones and stuff them. Yes, you read that correctly.

Now I'm sorry, but WTF? Here is the CurryQueen recipe for the perfect Christmas lunch and one which the Shah and I and our delightful progeny will be following. Christmas Eve: Make a feckin' great vat of your favourite curry (in our case, Lamb).
Christmas Day: Get up at a leisurely pace. Have a light breakfast. Break open the booze and open a few presents. Sit down to pre-prepared curry (which always tastes better on Day 2 anyway). After lunch, open rest of presents. The End. Peace to all mankind.

I publish below a recipe for Christmas cake, recently sent to me. It comes highly recommended - Happy Christmas!!

Ingredients :

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!

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