Sunday 27 October 2013

Driving Delhi-style - everything you need to know

Hello chums and greetings from the Indian sub-continent where the Shah and I are currently on holiday.  Now y'all know how much I like to offer the odd public service announcement and today is no exception.  Just I case any of you are ever, stupid, brave enough to consider driving in Delhi (or in any other city here) what follows will tell you all you need to know:-

Q: I'm a bit worried about finding my way around.  What if I take a wrong turn?
A: No problem at all.  Just do a U turn anywhere you like! Anytime you feel like it. Make sure to sound your horn while you do so.

Q: But what about oncoming traffic?
A: Don't  be a wuss. Just turn straight in front of it and make sure to sound your horn as you do so.

Q: But what if I'm on a dual carriageway? 
A: Then you have 2 options.  Option 1 - drive over the central reservation (NB you may have to make several attempts to get up there, but just keep slamming the car at it - it'll work eventually and constantly sounding your horn will help).  Option 2 - just turn round in the road and drive against the oncoming traffic. Simples! Oh, and make sure to sound your horn.

Q: I have to transport quite a lot of people and I only have a moped.  What to do?
A: I see you're one of those pansies who thinks a moped is a 2-man transporter?  Hahaha! What's your problem? Cram 'em on.  6 is a nice round number but don't forget the fuel tank provides a handy extra seat and 7 is a lucky number, innit?

Q: How many lanes are there on the average Indian road?
A: How many would you like? The concept of "lanes" is deliciously old fashioned and somewhat academic.  We find it helpful to drive astride any white lines that the authorities may have misguidedly painted on the road.  Keeps us going in the right direction after all! Today I counted 9 vehicles abreast at the traffic lights.  I think there were 3 lanes painted on the road but, meh - whatever.

Q: Do traffic lights operate the same way in India as in the UK?
A: I'm not sure how the UK uses traffic lights but here in India, they certainly look pretty and help decorate some of the more squalid areas.  They also add to the Diwali festivities. I can't think of any other reasons why we have them, tbh. 

Q: How heavy is the traffic, on average?
A: That rather depends on how you define 'traffic'.  Do you just mean cars or do you include the following, any of which might be in the middle of a busy motorway at any time? Cows, tractors, carts, donkeys, camels, pigs, dogs (numbers of legs vary, so some move faster than others), people, rickshaws, tuk-tuks, lorries, vans, cranes, oxen, deer, cycles or motorbikes?

Q: OMG! You mean all these things could be moving in the road at the same time?
A: Certainly. The only things that are in the middle of the road and don't move are trees.

Q: What emergency equipment should I carry in my car?
A: Well, a blow torch and welding equipment would come in handy for most cars...

Q: Jeez - all this has got me worried!  Any words of comfort to offer?
A: Yeah - just man up and grow a pair!  If a 12 year old can ride a motorbike, so can you!  They say you only need 3 things to drive in India - good brakes, a good horn and good luck. And they'd be right!


21 comments:

  1. There's an instruction on the A33 near Reading which says 'USE ALL THREE LANES'. At last, I think I understand!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indians would laugh in the face of such instructions Tim. They'd already be using the three lanes and making a few more nobody had thought of!

      Delete
  2. Spending 3 weeks travelling around India earlier this year I can indeed confirm all Indian drivers are NUTS and if they're not using their horn you should worry. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Blimey - hello Taz and welcome back! Or have you just been lurking unseen?! As you've been here, you will indeed know what I mean. We had to do an emergency stop yesterday cos a cow crossed the motorway but our driver hardly blinked. And despite all the horn blowing, there's no road rage whatsoever....imagine that back home!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've got to love a country that doesn't get cross over their cars and cows have right of way - always! :D
      I took a bit of a blogger break - went on a bit longer than I expected then I thought folk would have forgotten me

      Delete
  4. Delhiciously amusing!

    ...and a tad scary...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't intend to be mahalicious, Rog - but there is no joking here!

      Delete
  5. Oh my goodness, that's scary.....be careful, and keep sounding your horn!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All is well - we've returned in one piece, thank goodness!

      Delete
  6. It's funny how quickly we've become acclimatised to it Jay. Mind you, we got stuck in a rush hour gridlock in Jaipur today and our driver had to make several emergency stops which were a bit hairy!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ooer, sounds worse than Cairo. Much worse! Every day is dicing with death by the sound of it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very jealous of you being there - have always wanted to go. OMG, think you are totally good to go driving in New Zealand too. The Kiwis are the worst drivers in the world. You think them being a nation of farmers they would be slow tractor drivers. In fact they race even to get to the corner store to get a hokey pokey ice cream

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must go if you get a chance - it's the most fascinating country and you should be used to the driving if what you say about NZ is true!

      Delete
  9. I'm having palpitations just thinking about this. I've seen YouTube videos showing this sort of thing but can't comprehend what it must be like in real life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's scary to start with for sure, but we got used to it surprisingly quickly although maybe we were just not looking too closely after a while!

      Delete
    2. Just to let you know, I have included this post in this month's BritMums travel round-up which was published today.

      http://www.britmums.com/2013/11/travel-round-long-haul/

      Delete
    3. Thankyou Trish *rushes off to have a look* !! X

      Delete
  10. Is it like a national sport.....scare the bejaysus out of everyone around you? I would be holding my hands over my eyes and feeling sick with terror...you are very brave.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It is a bit like a national sport and the scariest bit was seeing babies squashed between two parents on the back of a moped!

    ReplyDelete
  12. When in Rome ..... BEEEEP! Or should that be Delhi? Poor you x

    ReplyDelete

Oh go on - say something for God's sake...