Monday 5 August 2013

Stuff my mum says...

My mum is very elderly now and, although her memory is failing, she is still as sharp as a tack in other respects.  Never try and get the better of her where money is concerned!

However, one thing that has always mystified her is technology of any sort.  Take her to an ATM and she talks herself through the whole experience, including bellowing her PIN number out loud and is then inclined to turn to the crowd patiently queuing behind us to let them know exactly why she has chosen that chain of numbers and why they are so memorable and throwing in information about her current account balance for good measure (true story). 

Try and answer a question such as "so what exactly IS the internet?" in words comprehensible to someone who has absolutely no concept of what a computer can do.  Equally tricky is "so what is a website?"  I tried explaining the internet as a giant encyclopaedia - it was the nearest analogy I could come up with at short notice but it kind of fell down when she asked how you could use an encyclopaedia to do your shopping. (I told you she was sharp).

Along with venerable age and a failing memory comes the disappearance of social filters.  She speaks as she finds.  Always. Loudly.  She has finally accepted that she has to go round the supermarket in a wheelchair.  She actually rather likes it because she no longer has to concentrate on wheeling a trolley and staying upright so she can eye up good looking men instead.  Really.

Unfortunately, eyeing up is not all she does.  She feels the need to comment on abso-bloody-lutely everyone and is relentlessly and unapologetically un-politically correct.  Consequently comments like "Phwoar - look at him - what a hunk!" and "Look at the size of her bottom!" are torrential and I have had to affect selective deafness and an innocent face.  Once I thought I could get away with an apologetic shrug and silently mouthing "Alzheimer's, poor old thing" at an affronted shopper.  After all, I was behind her pushing the wheelchair - she couldn't see or hear me, could she?   She turned on me instantly.  "I DO BLOODY NOT HAVE BLOODY ALZHEIMER'S" she roared.  "CHEEKY COW!"  And that was the last time I tried that trick.

Along with the falling away of social filters comes the fruity language.  I have written about this before here and, frankly, things haven't improved much.  Over lunch today she mused about her home situation.

Mum:  You know I have those carers in every day?
Me: Yes - why?  Is there a problem?
Mum:  No - they're very nice girls.  But every so often I just want to say "Oh just piss off!"

She still reads a broadsheet newspaper every day.  She maintains an incisive interest in the world around her.  Although popular culture confuses her, she is still keen to understand it.  Which is probably why she asked me recently "Darling - what exactly is a blow job?"

Reader - I told her....

23 comments:

  1. She sounds brilliant fun and probably knows exactly what she's saying and doing; she'd get on famously with my Gran! Who on her last visit waited outside primary school and said loudly "there are a few Mum's here who could do with losing a few pounds!"

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  2. I love the sound of your mum and it's exactly the way you're going to go, you know that don't you? I can't wait for your posts then. These will be considered positively tame :)))

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    1. You'd be amazed how many people have told me that I'm going to be the same....can't imagine why!! Sometimes I look at her and I see exactly where I get it from!

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  3. I bet you're glad she doesn't have Alzheimer's. Going out with all opinions blaring is a far more satisfactory way to be.

    She reminds me of that poem 'Warning' by Jenny Joseph 'When I am an old woman I shall wear purple...' although she doesn't mention the loud expression of politically incorrect opinions...

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    1. I don't think she knows that poem so I must get it for her - she'd definitely approve!

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    2. I was just going to mention the Jenny Joseph poem too. You beat me to it, Sarah.

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  4. As far as I can see if anyone has made it through so much life without being locked up they deserve to air their opinions as they see fit. Your mum sounds ace. And she's more successful at supermarket interactions than me.....

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  5. Believe me Andy, there have been times when I would happily have seen her locked up! I think she gets away with murder these days by playing the innocent little old lady card. Only I know the truth.....

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  6. Oh my! Your Mum sounds exactly like mine! She used to ride the motorized chair that the market provides around the store and "accidentally" knock over displays. She's been gone 2 years now and I laugh every time I see someone riding in one.

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    1. Hi Chrissy - thanks for dropping by. Your mum should have met mine - they sound as though they share a sense of humour! How lovely that you have such happy memories of her.

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  7. She reminds me of the two old ladies in Harry Enfield and Chums sketches who used to accost young men.

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    1. Trish, you're absolutely right - I hadn't thought of those old ladies but there are distinct similarities!

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    1. Hi Andrea and thanks for visiting. She is fun and trouble in equal measure these days!

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  9. Hehe! Well trips out must always be fun! Lovely blog post, she sounds very familiar ;)

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  10. Hi Gidders. - thanks for commenting. I think a lot of old people lose their inhibitions and adopt an 'ah, sod it' approach to life as time goes on. She certainly has!

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  11. She sounds like the epitome of "go big or go home!" - wonderful!

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    1. Hi Carrie - thanks for visiting! I hadn't heard of 'go big or go home' but it fits her perfectly!

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  12. Hilarious!! But where did she hear that phrase - not from you I hope (JKidding). She needs her own slot on a radio show. My mother comments on everyone else - as does my Dad - but sometimes its very passive, "Poor woman those trousers look very uncomfortable on her"

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    1. ha! My mum's most damning comment is "she's nice, poor girl!" with just the right nanosecond's gap between "she's nice" and "poor girl". Maybe it's an age thing and we'll all be like that one day....(God forbid!)

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  13. Curry Queen – so sharp and funny I spilt my tea over the keyboard this morning and let out a few expletives that your ma would have been proud of. Your cuz Ferg

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Oh go on - say something for God's sake...