Monday, 22 July 2013

Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents

Here in the UK, there is a TV programme that goes by this name.  It consists of several pairs of misguided idiot savants who inexplicably think it would be a really good wheeze to secretly follow their teenage son/daughter on a holiday to one of the many terrifying fleshpots of Europe that attract young people, such as Malia, Ayia Napa, Kavos, Zante etc and observe what they get up to.

The only thing I can find to say about this is WTF?  WHY?  Why would you want to watch your precious baby slobbering all over some spotty boy/groping a boozed up slapper?  We all know it happens - why torture yourself?  Well that's how a sensible parent would think.

We've now survived two rounds of the 'Napa experience and come out the other side, still with two living, breathing children.  But only just.

When he was 17, our son did the 'Napa thing.  I was terrified but like to think that I hid it quite well.  He would probably say different.  I made him show me the hotel they were staying in on t'interweb before he went and it looked vaguely ok...but then it would.  I pretended I didn't see his eyes rolling every time I mentioned yet another hazard to be aware of.  And I made the Shah go out and buy him a gigantic box of condoms.  The Shah was vaguely shocked.

Shah: - Do you really think....?
Me:  - Yes I bloody do!  Buy millions.  He can share them out amongst the others.  I'm too young to be a grandmother and I don't want him coming home with the clap.
Shah: *Goes pale* (which is some feat).

Some time after son got home, I noticed that an episode of Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents was being aired from Ayia Napa, so the Shah and I decided to watch, feeling totally smug that our boy was okay...well, he'd come home in one piece, hadn't he?  What's the worst that could have happened?


What can I say?  Other than click on the link above if you are a parent with a taste for masochism.  Never, ever again will I watch something like that while my children are under 35.

This year, it was the turn of the daughter.  Even worse.  I know we all spout tripe about treating boys and girls exactly the same, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. Fergeddit.  They're not and you can't.

And another delight is that other parents are queuing up to tell you tales of drinks being spiked, girls losing their friends and being followed home by swarthy types and worse.  My only comfort was that she was going in a group of 8 girls who had been firm friends since meeting at school, aged 11 and I trust them all to look after each other.  Ahem.

We had a text on the day they arrived, saying that everything was ok. So far so good.  Nothing more for 3 days.  Then on Wednesday, the phone rang.

Someone with a croak for a voice:-  Hello mum?
Me:  OMG - what's happened?
The Croaker:  I'm okay, I've just had a little accident.
Me: (phone in one hand, other hand Googling flights to Cyprus) Erm, what sort of little accident?
Croaker:  Well, I fell over because I was running down a hill in heels and my body sort of went faster than my legs.  I've skinned my knees really badly and I have to go to hospital.  Will I have to pay?
Me:  Gaaaaah!  what about your voice?
Croaker: Oh that's fine - I've just been screaming in clubs.
Me:  Oh good. (Sarcasm completely lost on child).

By the time they got home the injury tally was as follows (all to different girls I should add!):-

Hideously skinned knees x 1
Tonsillitis & Chest infection x 1
Lost voice x 1
Foot swollen due to drunken boy falling on it x 1
Broken knuckle due to punching a wall in anger x 1
Tattoo which has to be kept secret from her parents x 1
Nose piercings x 2 and yes, one of those was MY daughter.  FFS.

And here's the proof:-

So the moral of the story is....lock up your daughters.  It's far, far worse with girls because girls do detail.  They will tell you about their injuries and their squabbles in a way that boys never do.  Boys adopt a 'what happens in Napa, stays in Napa' attitude and that makes me weep with gratitude!


  1. OMFG. SO glad again to have two boys but those apron strings are remaining tied until they're 35! That intro is E.NUFF.

  2. It's horrific, isn't it? And trust me, they ALL behave. that way. Sometimes the boys come off worse as the bouncers are more likely to assault them. This happened to a friend's son - his mum can't wash the boot imprint out of a white t-shirt!!

  3. OMG I'm never letting my daughter go anywhere! (She's only 3 and she's already a worry!).
    Congrats on being listed in Love All Blogs 5 not to miss - I was really chuffed to be included with you guys!

  4. Thank you! I was privileged to be chosen too - what a great surprise! If your daughter is 3 at the moment, you can relax for no more than 10 years and probably less, to be brutally honest. Make the most of it!!

  5. I can't watch the video... I just know it will be horrendous, and your son has the right attitude I think.
    What did we do at that age? certainly not go abroad in my case....we were quite tame in some ways.

  6. Probably very wise not to watch, Libby although the first 30 seconds would give you a very good idea of the rest of the content. I remember thinking I was quite wild at that age (and my parents certainly thought so) but I couldn't hold a candle to this lot!

  7. We've watched that programme too - with our son, who just laughs. Thankfully he hasn't suggested a holiday with his pals yet. He still seems happy to come with us, thank heavens.
    Your poor daughter's knees :-(

  8. You are so lucky with Rory. Since writing this, I've heard yet more harrowing tales of a boy who was badly cut in a fight, was taken to hospital and hooked up to drips etc. he then realised he couldn't pay for any of it and so pulled out the drips and did a runner. He was chased by an ambulance and eventually hid in a field somewhere until it left, after which he had to stagger back to Napa. They never caught up with him, but what a hideous story....

  9. Oh no. I'm completely freaked out now. My daughter is only 8!!!! My boys ... well I've never really worried about them. But I will take your advice, she's getting locked up until she's 45!!!
    Bless her little knees and that foot! I hope she kicked the drunk boy with her good foot :)
    Thank God there are moms like you to keep me in the know!

  10. Hi Tammy and thanks for dropping by. I highly recommend you lock up your daughter until she is round about retirement age - never mind 45! But then I'm sure she'll be much better behaved than my daughter :)

  11. Oh god, I have all this to come next year...

    1. I am here for you, Mme J. Actually, I'm surprised that your lad hasn't already been off to the fleshpots of Europe, but maybe Glasto was enough?! I tell you, it's sooo much worse with girls - sexist but true!

  12. We sometimes watch this & find it funny that the kids can be so stupid....... now my son's 17 and talking about a holiday with his mates, I'm really scared!!

    1. I wish I could offer you words of comfort Jay but, if you watch the programme, you will know that even the meekest and the mildest seem to go berserk once they get away from Mummy and Daddy.... :(

  13. My son doesn't know about Napa, I think, and I'm not telling! He's keener to go somewhere and work (I think).

    1. Bloody hell Sarah! Make the most of it until he finds out!

  14. What is "Napa? Skinned knees is good for me, keeps them off the bubbly dance floor though I guess that is the least of your worries.

    1. 'Napa' is short for Ayia Napa which is a holiday resort on the island of Cyprus. It is also a disgusting fleshpot as you will realise if you watch the video. Dancing schmancing. As you rightly say, that's the least of it....


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