Sunday, 4 November 2012

Something's got to give...

Okay - this is the deal.  If you have no wish to read a litany of self-serving, self-pitying bleating and whining, leave this blog NOW.  Move away from the blog...that's it sir, madam - BACK AWAY FROM THE BLOG...

Half term "holiday" - what type of fucking misnomer-joke is that?  My half term has so far comprised:
  • Welcoming the Shah back home for an extended 10-day stay due to a variety of Eid being celebrated in Kuwait.
  • Lasting 2 days with the Shah before asking when the fack he was returning to the land of sand because I couldn't stand the untidiness, the loo seats being left up, the snoring, the extra shopping/cooking/cleaning and his cheerful announcement that he has 142 episodes of The Big Bang Theory (my least favourite TV show of all time) taped. YES A HUNDRED AND FORTY TWO.  DEAR GOD HELP ME. (I realise that there must be duplicates but he can't tell which are duplicated so he just watches them all...*weeps with frustration*)
  • Attempting to get my A level student daughter to a) return home before 2am on any given day and b) knuckle down and do some facking college work/personal statement/EPQ/article for the college magazine - without success.
  • Realise I am doing something very wrong with my life when a bunch of daughter's friends turn up to get ready for a party.  I am like a dwarf as they all loom over me in their six-inch heels. I admire one pair of particularly beautiful gold trotters. "They're my birthday heels!" comes the happy reply.  "They're from Kurt Geiger."  KURT GEIGER?  FFS!! At her age, I was shopping in Stead & Simpson.
  • Entertain my mother for three days whilst climbing the walls with frustration, constantly having to repeat myself at shriek level (then get told off for shouting), answer the same questions over and over and facking OVER AGAIN; trail her round our local (huge) supermarket at her insistence until she is at the point of collapse; and the incessant worry that all of the above causes.
  • Try to look understanding/sympathetic when the Consultant tells my son that he has just torn the Anterior Cruciate Ligament in the same knee for the third time in a year, when my instinct is to scream HOW COULD YOU BE SO FACKING CARELESS?
  • Attempt to sort out the damage that a friend of the above-mentioned son did by crashing into the back of our car. Friend's dad doesn't want to involve Insurance companies which is fine, SO ANSWER MY FACKING EMAILS YOU PILLOCK. WHO IS DOING WHO THE FAVOUR HERE?
  • Smile patiently (fail) upon hearing either of these phrases:-
    • "Mum, there is like, NO food in the house"  or
    • "What's for dinner?  Eurgh - can I have something different?  I fancy xxx (insert name of impossibly complex dish for which I possess zero ingredients).                 
Sorry.  Quite out of breath now.  Need to go and lie down in a darkened room with a quart of Gin.  And the cat.  No, not the cat.  This is what he left me one morning recently right beside the bed...
Yes!  A lovely dead Rat! Crouched beside my skanky Ugg boots and my (ahem) pricey leopard print onesie.  Yay me!
Naturally, this was before the Shah arrived home, so I was forced to deal with it despite it being a blue job par excellence.  Note the lifelike pose of Rattus. This freaked me right out because someone once told me that Rats can freeze and mimic death to put off their attackers.  I was convinced it would spring to life as soon as I went near it.  The daughter crouched on my bed squealing as I grabbed its tail (using some loo roll, natch) and threw it out of the window over the fence.  Or so I thought. Two days later, I noticed it hanging in a bush.  One day after that, It fell out of the bush and lay in its delightful rigor in the front garden.  The Shah was despatched to deal with it pronto.  He had to fend off the ASBO cat who was attempting to snack on the yummy remains. Hmmm...delish!

And on top of all this, I try and fit in a full time job.  

Something's got to give...

23 comments:

  1. This was painfully hilarious! You are one funny lady. I could also swear you've been watching scenes from my life (and that includes the cat and the rat!!).

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    1. Thank you, LML. The trouble is, I think these could be scenes from any of our lives at our age. Sad but true!

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    2. PS you get the rat problem too? Hideous! :-(

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  2. And there was I thinking half-term away from school was enough to make you happy... Tempted to suggest keeping calm - that ubiquitous phrase - but it's probably driving you mad too!

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    1. I would love to be the type who can keep calm, HF. Calm is what I aspire to but it always seems to slip out of reach...:-(

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  3. Apart from that, everything okay I trust?

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    1. Hi Tim, yup everything's just fab thanks. Going back to work tomorrow for a rest!

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  4. Crikey.......okay, breathe, relax, sip some gin and pat yourself on the back for dealing with the beast.....that rat would still be there if I had to deal with it...I would have covered it with something and moved out!!

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    1. The trouble was, Libby, that the rat was looking at me with its little beady eyes and I couldn't bear the thought of it staying there leering at me. *shudders*

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  5. Oh lord! What a week! I would die if I had to tackle that rat or the episodes of Big Bang Theory.

    Might just warn you to keep well away from my blog this week when I start writing about our lovely half term break. It may just push you over the edge ;-)

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    1. Dear Trish, please may I come on holiday with you? You have lovely holidays with nice people and they don't involve rats, but they may involve Gin. Love, CQ

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  6. I don't understand.. . . but it will get better, you get to spend the next 6 weeks with me at work!!!!!

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    1. What don't you understand, Anon? See me tomorrow at work and I will happily explain!

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  7. I'm laughing with you, not at you, honest. My life mirrors yours in so many ways, none of them good though! My cat bought me a mouse in the middle of the night last night which he bit till it squeaked then he dismembered it on the stairs, ensuring, of course, the heart was still beating for maximum blood splatter. My first job of the morning was to extract dried mouse remains, including a very full stomach so at least it died well fed, then scrub the copious blood from the carpet. Who knew a mouse could bleed so much!

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    1. Haha WG/AA/Mme J - lawks - you must be schizoid with so many monikers to contend with! You;re right about the mirroring - I hadn't thought of that....Absentee husbands, teenagers to single-parent, ASBO Animals...if only you drank Gin, we 'd be twins!!

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  8. Ooops, signed into the wrong blog!

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    1. See what I mean about schizoid?! :-)

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  9. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw my boys off on the train to see their dad in Paris. They have 2 weeks half term here, I could not have survived another week.

    I also essentially go to work to rest. Being at home is way too much like hard work!

    At least my cat no longer kills things and leaves them lovingly in view for me!

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    1. I go to work to rest as well, or at least that's the theory. However, when I get to work, it all kicks off and I end up more exhausted than ever :-(

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  10. You do make me laugh. I rarely comment but I do read you - but mostly on my phone and I just can't work it out. Found you via Sarah above. I see you're going to Mumsnet - will look out for you. You've made my half term seem civilized. and that's no mean feat *bows*

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  11. Hi OSM and thanks for dropping by. I'm glad you like the blog and that someone else's life runs a bit smoother than mine. Believe it or not, there have been more disasters since I wrote this, so I guess there will be a part 2 when I get round to writing it. I'd be delighted to meet up with you at the Mumsnet Blogfest. I don't know anyone else going but I didn't let that put me off as the speakers are so good!

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  12. Oh dear, poor you! I hope it's improved now, is the "holiday" over? And his cruciate ligament again?? Whatever is he doing?? I think I'll post you some gin! But you do make me laugh soooo much, thank you! x

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  13. Thank you Jay, I'm looking forward to receiving the Gin! The ligament was torn this time playing football. He thought it wiser to go I goal but still landed awkwardly and bingo. At least that's his story :-(

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