Thursday, 5 April 2012

Bricking it...


Poor little Samantha Brick.  How she has suffered!  For the uninitiated and the disinterested, let me just explain that Samantha Brick is a journalist who, 2 days ago, wrote an article in the Daily Mail bleating stating that her life is a nightmare just because she’s so beautiful.  Before I continue, I feel honour-bound to explain to my non-Brit readers that the Daily Mail is a comic for grown-ups which masquerades as a tabloid newspaper in the UK.

Anyway, let us not divert our eyes from the lovely Samantha a moment longer than necessary because, reader, I feel her pain.

How her life story resonates with mine!  Our daily existence seems to travel along a spookily parallel path because I too am blighted by excessive beauty.  I am beautiful within and without – let me elucidate (you see?  I even use beautiful language!)

Samantha Brick



CQ
It started right from childhood when I recall a maiden aunt comparing me to a fine watercolour with the words “she’s no oil painting, is she?”.  I was thrilled!  That was the remark that was to set the tone for the rest of my life.  All through school my utter wonderfulness meant that the other girls couldn't bear to be around me, lest they seemed bland by comparison.  In PE for example, when the sports captains were choosing teams, they would always leave me till the end – saving the best till last you see!  Then they would nobly fight over who got to have me on their team – “you have her!” – “no YOU have her!” they would cry until, at last, the teacher would shout “someone take her for God’s sake, the lesson’s nearly over.”  I was moved by their generosity of spirit.

Queuing up for lunch, the boys behind me would always want to feel the silken touch of my flowing hair.  Sometimes, their enthusiasm would overcome them and they might pull it just a teensy bit in their youthful exuberance.  But hey – no harm done and none intended, I’m sure.  The pain usually wore off after a couple of hours.

As an adult, more praise and worship was to come my way.  At work, I regularly attracted attention.   Sadly, my first boss was terribly clumsy and rather selfish because he frequently dropped things and then asked me to pick them up for him.  When I bent over, he would call to his colleagues, “fuck me, is there an eclipse today?” so blinded was he by my beauty!  Nowadays, I work in a school and the pupils often comment as I sashay down the corridors.  Of course, I am often preoccupied with work matters and am a little distracted.  The students are kind enough to notice this and I hear them whisper “she’s so sad” as I stride by.  How uncommonly perceptive!

Occasionally, people like to have a little joke with me.  Only yesterday, I was at the till in the supermarket, trying to find my purse in my handbag.  Suddenly, I heard the assistant say, “Get on with it, you stupid bitch!” but then I realised that she was talking to the blind man behind me whose Labrador was so busy humping my leg (see – even animals love me!) that it hadn’t guided its hapless owner to the conveyor belt. 

The Shah often calls me “Broad in the Beam” – obviously referring to my exquisite smile!  He also likes to celebrate my allure with a pretty nickname.  Yes, he often refers to me as Misshapen!  I think he means Miss Shapely, but English is not his first language, so I don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable by pointing out his little error.

My children also love to celebrate their pride in my good looks and all-round gorgeousness.  They have dreamt up a series of acronyms which they use as nicknames for me – these are just a small sample:-

MUG – mum’s utterly gorgeous
MOOSE - mum of outstandingly special elegance
LOSER – Lady of strikingly elegant radiance
FUGLY – Fabulous, utterly glamorous, lithe and young

Can you come up with some more, I wonder?

Yours in utter fabulosity,
CQ xx

24 comments:

  1. You too??!! oh how us beauties suffer.......I was advised more than once to put a bag on my head for fear of making others feel bad......

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  2. You are soooo funny, and that photo of you is stunning. Laughing here!!

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  3. Libby - it's so good to meet a kindred spirit - how we have suffered for our art!

    NS- thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad you like my photo. I like to think it is a particularly flattering study of moi.

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  4. Wonderfulness indeed! Read twice now and I'm still laughing like a loon.

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    1. Tim you are too, too kind!

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    2. I know, I know! PS Did you see Tim Dowling's take on this in the Guardian?

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    3. Ooh no I didn't, but I will search it out now. Is he as fabulous and all-round gorgeous as moi?

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  5. Funnily enough me and my two sisters evinced that "no oil painting " comment from a relative as well, followed by "best you do well at school then." Just saw the pics of this laydee on Expat Mum and, as she said, your first thought is - they put up the wrong photo. But that's just me, people who are not oil paintingx also develop an incredible kind honesty....LOVE this post!

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    1. Well Jody, looking at your photos I can only say that your relative must have been the one behind me in the supermarket queue with the guide dog! Glad you liked the post and thank you for your kind words.

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  6. HAHA CQ, fantastic take on the idiot Brick. She was laying it on a bit thick...

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    1. Lol Sarah - Brick by name and Brick by nature say I....

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  7. Shout out to you today on my blog - for inspiring me to write a post on this as well!

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  8. Thanks Jody - I'm flattered! Heading over to yours right now....

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  9. Sandra Brick's make-up - I've heard she puts it on with a trowel....
    Sx

    Apologies, I have only just thought of that... but I'm sure it must have been said on at least 12 social forums by now!

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  10. Hi SB and welcome! Love the comment - only wish I'd thought of it first!

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  11. Do you know I'm so absolutely gorgeous no one's ever mentioned it??
    Yep that's how jealous they all are.
    Even Samantha won't be in the same photo as me!

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    1. Oh Macy - I feel your pain too! Everyone's so blinded by your utter gorg qualities that they can't even mumble in your presence. Pity us!

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  12. Another member of my fan club! Thank you Trish *blushes*

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  13. I had wondered not only in what sense she considers herself beautiful but also who she is... (I know: I'm a 'bitch' too.)

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    1. I wondered who she (thinks) she is too, funnily enough. She was coming on like some seasoned journo but I'd never heard of her. Maybe I don't read the Daily Mail enough!

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  14. You've been tagged! Over on mine. :)

    When you have a mo...

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