Tuesday, 14 February 2012


It is Sunday evening.  About 9.15.  the Shah’s mobile rings.  It is his friend and collaborator, Mr H.  Mr H has rung to invite the Shah on a BNO (Boys’ Night Out) on Tuesday.

“Tuesday?” says the Shah ruminatively.  “Yeah.  Should be fine.  Don’t think I’ve got anything on...”

At this point, his wife and daughter, who are close by, roar with laughter.  Not just because the Shah is too much of a dolt to realise that Tuesday will be Valentine’s Day but also because Mrs H will be wearing Mr H’s Nadgers for earrings when she finds out.

None of this deters them and they make a date for the usual curry and a film.  The curry choice rarely varies and the film genre doesn’t change much either. It’s usually a Lamb Madras and a side order of “Shaven-headed man sweats heavily and swears a lot as he defeats terrorist/kidnappers/aliens – perm any one from three” in glorious Technicolor.

Not that it really matters.  We don't go overboard for Valentine’s/Mothers Day/Fathers Day etc etc – none of these:-

Or these:-

But we do buy each other cards.  So...as the day dawns, I awake unnecessarily early (it’s half term – I’m on holiday) and sneak downstairs while the Shah is in the shower (alliteratively speaking) to put his card somewhere obvious so that he sees it before leaving for work.  Now the Shah likes to play little tricks on me and hide my card in the hope that I will accuse him of neglect and he can catch me out.  Once he has gone off to work, I glance around, expecting to see a little red envelope peeping out from somewhere.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.

So just to recap.

I have none of these 

I have none of these  

I have not got one of these  

Just as I am feeling mega-sorry for myself, the doorbell rings.  It is the nice Sainsbury man with my delivery.  I haul everything into the house and, just as I sign for the stuff, he whips something out from behind his back and holds it out to me with a warm smile.  “Here you are love,” he chirps.  “Have these on us – buckshee!”  Because I am laughing so much as his use of ‘Buckshee’ – a word I haven’t heard for, oh, decades, I don’t look properly at the item in my hand until he has waved me a cheery farewell and started back up the garden path.

Is it roses?  No.

Is it chocolates?  No.

Is it a card?  No.

This is what Sainsbury’s has sent me to mark St Valentine’s Day.


The Shah arrives home.  I complain bitterly about the lack of a card.  The daughter complains on my behalf.  The Shah is unmoved.  He laughs a happy little laugh and pats me on the hand absent-mindedly.

“Never mind,” he says.  “Valentine’s isn’t really for married people, is it?”



  1. Some things you can't say with flowers....

  2. Some things you can't say at all. Not if you're the Shah, anyway...

  3. Ah, I feel your pain. The Husband and I don't do Valentines although it would have been nice if he'd just said 'Happy Valentine's Day'... oh, and if I hadn't had to fork out for a dozen red roses for The Boy's girlfriend...

  4. Blimey, WG -did you also fork out for a second mortgage to pay for the roses? I felt that at least I could have had a puppy to go with the Arsewipes. Maybe next year? *scans the skies for passing pigs*

  5. That had to be the dingleberry on the bum of a day - arsewipes. I ask you!

    I am sat, however, with tears of laughter in my eyes, so thanks for an hilarious start to the day. :)

  6. Sarah - you are so welcome. Someone may as well get something out my failed Valentines. Or as I like to call it, my "Tesco Valuetine" :-(

  7. I suspect the only difference between the curry and the film is that the "as he defeats terrorist/kidnappers/aliens" bit doesn't happen at the curry house. I have no idea if TS's head is shaven.

    Love the word Buckshee too!

  8. Ah yes, buckshee! There are so many other words like that, lost in time, that come back to surprise you!

  9. Buckshee arsewipes. Best thing I've heard all week. So funny.

    We do the card thing and Hubby splashed out on one of those with extra pages on the inside. Though he didn't know it had extra pages, so wrote his name on the first page he came to, oblivious to the romantic words which continued overleaf. But it was better than no card at all.

  10. Yup, Buckshee Arsewipes - just about sums up my life really! The Shah did eventually produce a card - looked like the dregs of the bargain bin in Clintons!

  11. Lord woman but you have the BEST expressions ever! Nadgers for earings. Will have to think of a post toot sweet where I can use that. AW? but he's YOUR AW....

  12. Ah Jody, you say the nicest things. I shall try and remember that the Shah is my very own AW the next time I have the urge to throw crockery at him!

  13. I've nominated you for a meme, over 'ere:

  14. Aaaagh! thank you (I think!) now I'll have to be creative....

  15. At least you didn't get the Asda Smartprice Valentine's Card ;)

  16. This is true Taz but only because there is no Asda near us...


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