Barney? My Arse.

I've spent some time considering the title of this post.  There were so many to choose from - 'Bottoms Up'?  Or 'In Which the Bottom Falls Out of My World'? or 'The Bottom Line'? 'From the Bottom of My Heart and the Heart of My Bottom'?  'A Bum Deal'? 'What a Bummer!'? Oh the list is endless and provides yet more proof that I have missed my vocation in life and should have been a Sun headline writer.  In the end, I have gone with a touch of traditional rudeness, chosen mainly because it will mean nothing to you, my invisible chums, but it will make the Shah laugh.

This sorry tail tale begins last Wednesday when I missed my footing on a step into the Living Room (Crap Cottage, for those who have missed previous eye-rolling references to it, is very old and there are steps in and out of every room which can become a little hazardous at times). As my ankle gave way beneath me, I fell backwards - and could I just add (because I know what you're all thinking) that NOT ONE DROP of alcohol had been taken. That came later.  As I fell, I managed to land on my well-padded backside on the edge of another step (I told you there were loads).  At the time, I was more concerned with my ankle which, ironically, turned out to be fine.  My poor bum, however, was not.  

Almost passing out from the pain (no exaggeration) I staggered to the nearest mirror and contorted myself to try and view the damage.  There was a slight red line.  Feeling a bit of a drama queen, I assured everyone I was fine and tried to sit down.  Big mistake.  Big, BIG mistake. There followed a sort of a comedy cartoon moment as I tried to stand up again instantaneously - a bit like Tom and Jerry running in mid-air.  I found some mega-strong painkillers that had been prescribed for the Shah for some sporting injury or other years ago and necked one pronto.  It did nothing for the pain but, boy did I have some interesting dreams!

The following morning, a small bruise had appeared.  I took another painkiller and drove to work, perched on one buttock.  And, by the way, I am pronouncing 'buttock' the Forrest Gump way from now on...

Got sent home from work on the grounds that I was away with the Fairies and no good to man or beast.  Got home, pointed butt at mirror.  Such was the swelling and bruising by this time, that I looked like a woman with two arses, one of them purple.

Waited for the Shah to get home to update him on the damage.  As I said to someone the next day, you can tell you've been married too long when you strip naked, bend over and say to your husband "take a look at that!" and he shrieks "OHMIGOD!" and gags slightly.

This is what he saw.....are you ready for this?  Here is the big reveal....take a deep breath....sit down....okay....now scroll down a bit...

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OH COME ON!  You didn't seriously think I was going to get my purple arse out on the web did you?  Sorry - but I'm not that kind of gal!  

The Shah reeled from the shock of seeing my one entirely purple butt-ock and other, peripheral bruising and was actually quite nice to me for the rest of the evening.  The following day, he even texted to ask how I was - unheard of - as the minute he leaves the house, he completely forgets that he has a wife, a son, a daughter, a cat etc until he's putting his key in the lock again.  Of course, it wasn't all rosy (haha).  His last text went - "I've got a new nickname for you.  Barney!"  Me:  WTF? Shah:  Barney, the purple arse-o-saur!" He's so happy with this level of wit that he hasn't stopped using it since.

All I can find to say in return is, Barney?  My Arse!